Elizabeth O'Brien Blog

As a therapist, I am struck more and more intensely by the importance of personal responsibility. So many clients come in overwhelmed with despair and helplessness. They express deep feelings of having been treated unfairly by the world. One of my jobs is to help them see that the series of choices they have made in their lives has led them to the very place they find themselves—spiritually, if not otherwise.

The late great psychiatrist Viktor Frankl based much of his work on the idea of the victim. He believed that in order to thrive, human beings need to challenge their sense of victimhood, that individuals need to approach life not as victims, but as students. Having survived the Nazi concentration camps, he learned that those who made it through that epic Hell were generally not those who were physically strongest but those who were more positive and resilient. Most importantly, they were the ones who, even in the midst of their own suffering, reached out to support others. In fact, this capacity for empathy—in spite of their own pain—enhanced their resilience. They approached life poised to learn and to give of themselves.

I am coming to the conclusion that we are the product of our choices. We choose how to face up to life. It’s not that everything is under our control, that unforeseen, unfortunate events don’t happen to us. It’s our response to those events, the way we choose to address them, that ultimately matters. And if we can stop focusing on ourselves, and help somebody else, we are transformed. In the words of
Rick Warren, author of The Purpose-Driven Life, “It’s not about you.”

By Elizabeth O’Brien, M.A., LPC

Besides touch, mirroring is the vehicle for attachment. When a mother is holding her baby (generally, some 18 inches from her own face), either to nurse or feed him from a bottle, she and the baby gaze into one another’s eyes. When the baby is finishing feeding, he may coo or cry or smile. The mother responds in kind: when baby coos, mom coos; when baby cries, mom looks at him empathetically and responds by holding him over her shoulder to burp, or by changing his diaper; when baby smiles, mom smiles back. This constant acknowledgement, or mutual validation, is mirroring; and ideally, it continues as the child grows up. Without it, a child doesn’t internalize a solid sense of “the other,” or an autonomous sense of self. His very identity is compromised.

Mirroring my youngest Sam as he takes his first steps.

As adults, human beings leave home to establish their own lives and ideally, they transfer that same attachment to a life partner. Even after the heady honeymoon period, when lovers gaze endlessly into each other’s eyes, couples continue to “mirror” one another through this mutual validation process, or “empathetic responding.” Both verbally and non-verbally, they communicate: “I see you. I am here for you.” And when they have children of their own, the pattern continues.

By Elizabeth O’Brien, M.A., LPC

I waited 20 years to get a dog again. After growing up with dogs in my home town of Memphis, taking on such a commitment after I left home was too much for my chaotic, itinerant life: college in Knoxville, TN, first jobs in Miami, all-consuming career and cramped apartments in New York City. I knew, from my mother’s example, what having a dog entailed. So I waited. Finally, in 1995, when my family was comfortably ensconced in Austin and my youngest child was five (big enough not to get toppled), we got a chocolate Lab puppy. We had a woodsy, fenced backyard that backed up to a greenbelt, and we installed a pet door. The pup, named Jordan, had the run of the house and property; and I began a dog-walking routine that I have continued to this day. Of course, 15 years later, Jordan has passed on. Now we have two dogs: a nine-year-old Bichon named Buffett and a three-year-old chocolate Lab named Jamie.

It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized the full beauty of dogs: they are not only devoted companions, but they are also ideal exercise partners. Certain breeds, like Labs, require lots of exercise, and this is exactly what I needed: someone to motivate me, hold me accountable and keep me company. We walk morning and evening, seven days a week.  Along our route, in hilly Lost Creek, we experience the world—other dogs and humans, cats, deer, birds, squirrels, armadillo, possum, road runners, rabbits, fox, snakes, tarantulas, scorpions, lizards, buzzards, and even the occasional coyote. We take in the sky and the trees; we stop to smell the flowers.

On weekends, my husband, dogs and I walk up to the park at the top of the hill and meet our dog-walking group. These are people whom we would not have met otherwise. We venture down into a deserted office park, where the dogs run gleefully off-leash. Just watching their exuberance makes us happy. Anxiety and depression float away. They put things in perspective, reminding us to embrace the moment, to live consciously. When we get home, we swim together to cool off. Occasionally, we venture out to Zilker, Red Bud Isle or Town Lake.

Besides the exercise benefits, my dogs keep me grounded. As a therapist, I have an emotionally exhausting job. I love what I do but I need therapy; and Buffett and Jamie are my therapists. I talk to them, tell them my problems. They listen, and love me unconditionally. During the week, I alternate taking Jamie or Buffett to work. They are wonderful therapy dogs. But they also force me outside between sessions to stretch and walk and breathe in the sunshine. We return refreshed, limber and ready to focus.

So for those who like dogs and want to stay fit, consider getting a dog. Even Buffett, the little Bichon, is hearty enough to walk three or four miles a day. Other than the cost of the dog, a reasonable expense at the local shelter, the only equipment you’ll need is a leash and a good pair of walking shoes!

By Elizabeth O’Brien, M.A., LPC

There is a term being bandied about in psychological circles—and in the media—called “adaptive competence.” National Public Radio (NPR) did a story recently on the secrets of aging well, and this high-falutin’ term dominated the story. It seems that individuals with adaptive competence, which basically means “rolling with the punches” of life, live longer (by some seven years, according to the research). They are also more productive and happy than those who lack it. What they’re talking about, ultimately, is resilience.

When I was a little girl growing up in Memphis, my mother schooled me in this concept. Her words were: “You just have to get back up on the horse again.” When my first boyfriend dumped me, when a favorite teacher humiliated me, when my best friend teased me about my flat chest in mixed company, at 13—I learned, eventually, to get back up, dust myself off and move on. Without knowing it, I taught myself the cognitive-behavioral technique of “acting as if,” which is just another way of saying, “Fake it till you make it.” I learned, sometimes the hard way, that ultimately my positive feelings, my self-esteem, had to come from within. Fortunately, I had a loving and stable family and a great deal of support. Not everyone does.

Indeed, lapses in resilience are what bring clients into therapists’ offices week after week. Clients who cannot shake off disappointment, rejection, a bad day, a medical issue, human mistakes, social and work difficulties, things beyond their control, and other normal life events are struggling with “adaptive competence.” Their thought pattern has become negative. However, the fact that they are seeking therapy is a positive sign, and speaks of their innate, human drive toward resilience. The great psychiatrist Carl Rogers believed that we are all capable of resilience; often, we just need someone to support us in accessing a strength that is already there.

Sometimes, a good friend or mentor can fill the bill; other times, it takes therapy.

Obviously, there are differences among us; some people are just born more resilient. Others, who have experienced severe early trauma, are more vulnerable. But many of us have simply never learned positive cognitive habits that could help us shake off negative experiences and debilitating thoughts.

I think about “adaptive competence” most often when observing my mother, who is 95 and going strong. She lives independently in a comfortable retirement facility, where she deliberately chose an apartment on the third floor to encourage herself, energy permitting, to take the stairs. My mother is still completely engaged in the world—seeing friends and family, playing bridge four times a week, exercising, traveling, reading good literature, volunteering for the Altar Guild at the chapel, hosting cocktail parties—and happy to be alive. Her life, more than any other, illustrates the positive side of Erik Erikson’s final life stage in his famous eight-stage model of human development: Integrity vs Despair. When one looks back on his life, is it with integrity that he has embraced life and contributed to the lives of others? Or is it with despair, at having not courageously addressed his existential imperative? Mother, it seems, has chosen to thrive.

By Elizabeth O’Brien, M.A., LPC

We often have to “wing it” as parents, especially with our first child. Like many parents, there are several bits of wisdom I wish I had possessed early on. One concept I have learned as a therapist would have been especially useful: the concept of containment.

Containment means (in terms of parenting) the ability to literally “contain” your own emotions so that they don’t spill over, inappropriately, onto your child. Say you have a longstanding fear of heights and your eight-year-old climbs to the top of a tree behind your house. Your child has no such fear of heights, and is quite an agile climber. Yet, you become so panicked because of your own fear that you project that fear onto your child. You scream and scold, until the child—whose confidence is now shot—scrambles down, almost falling along the way because you’ve made him so nervous. Containment comes into even deeper play with teenagers and young adults, who require much more nuanced parenting. If, as a teenager, a parent had a close friend who was badly injured in a car crash, the parent could likely struggle with containment when her own child gets his driver’s license. A more insidious example would be a father who has been laid off, or whose career has otherwise failed: Dad projects that sense of failure onto his young adult son by criticizing his son’s career direction. Instead of honoring his son with his confidence, Dad’s anxiety and disappointment about his own situation spills over onto his son, who is struggling to find his way in the professional world. Instead of having the confidence to follow his instincts, the son now questions his own, authentic path.

It is clear to me that if a parent corrupts the child with her own anxiety—if Mom “takes over” the worry about her teen’s homework—she is robbing the child of the opportunity to feel his own anxiety and sense of responsibility, and act accordingly.

Containment can also apply to supporting your child in containing anxiety or fear about something troubling in his life. Hazel Douglas writes about this kind of containment in her book, Containment and Reciprocity: Integrating Psychoanalytic Theory and Child Development Research for Work with Children. According to Douglas, “Containment is thought to occur when one person receives and understands the emotional communication of another without being overwhelmed by it, processes it and then communicates understanding and recognition back to the other person. This process can restore the capacity to think in the other person.”

In this case, the parent can help her child contain certain overwhelming emotions by attuning to and empathizing with these feelings and processing them with the child. This kind of supportive containment is akin to what therapists try to do with their clients. Ideally, therapists create a safe, confidential haven for clients and “join with” them as they work through difficult issues and emotions.

Parents also need to contain their anxiety from spilling over onto each other. Children are perceptive, and modeling mature containment in the marriage—with both parents working to support one another—can help children learn to deal with their own emotions in a healthy manner.

For parents, keeping firm boundaries around their own emotions is important in freeing children to build a strong sense of self—and the ability to form their own “containers.”

By Elizabeth O’Brien, M.A., LPC

Reciprocity is one of my favorite concepts—in therapy and in life. Parents do well to model this give-and-take behavior, by nurturing their children and supporting them, while at the same time expecting the child to reciprocate with love, respect, consideration—and yes, even chores! This reciprocity concept harkens back to Attachment Theory, in which the mother “mirrors” her infant: when the baby coos, the mother coos back; when the baby smiles, the mother smiles; when the baby cries, Mom picks him up. Nursing reinforces this symbiotic connection. Research bears out that this constant mutual validation process literally promotes optimal brain development and functions as the chief building block for sense of self.

Biologically, we are hard-wired for connection—and reciprocity; babies who are isolated, who are not held and nurtured, experience “failure to thrive.” Adults who are isolated experience a similar fate, at least in an emotional sense.  Conversely, the baby who experiences secure attachment with his mother internalizes this primal relationship, and it becomes the “template” for all future relationships. With secure attachment, the baby is empowered to connect successfully with other human beings over the course of his life. He grows up with an ingrained and empathetic sense of  “the other”…it’s not all about me! This is the foundation of reciprocity, a global ethic embodied in Christianity as the Golden Rule. Judaism, Islam, Buddhism…virtually every established religion in the world espouses some version of reciprocity.

Parents who teach and model this crucial concept are equipping their children with the capacity for attunement, empathy and emotional intelligence, a way of being that makes for an authentic, fulfilling life.

By Elizabeth O’Brien

Licensed Professional Counselor-Intern

Town Lake Y Pro Bono Counselor